Christians Hurt Each Other — Can We Survive It?
When someone in your family wrongs you, how do you handle it?
Are you a picture of perfect patience? Do you tend to lash out in response or are you the type to stuff it down and keep going? What if this person commits the same hurt more than once?
Now put yourself in the other position. When you sin against someone you love, what type of response do you hope for from them? How do you seek to restore the relationship?
In all likelihood, we have different inclinations and experiences when it comes to identifying and resolving interpersonal conflict. For most of us, our family and cultural backgrounds play a prominent role in this.
So as we live and relate in the family of God and the culture of his church, what should be our normative response when we inevitably sin against one another?
Answering this question isn’t just important for the sake of “keeping the peace,” so to speak. Jesus knew how important this would be in the lives of his people, the church, which is why he addresses it in Matthew 18:15-20.
When we sin against each other, Jesus gives us a process to address it. Let’s look at Matthew 18:15-17.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
So when a brother or sister in the faith sins against us, the first thing Jesus says to do is talk to that person directly. There are two things we should notice here in this first response:
we are to name their sin specifically and
we are to be motivated by a hope that they will repent and restore the relationship.
How are we prone to miss the mark on one or more of these elements?
Perhaps you can think of times you’ve talked to that friend or that person in your small group Bible study who hurt you, but you skirted the actual issue. You were afraid of getting specific. Maybe it felt too awkward or you didn’t want to offend them. So maybe you just made a vague mention of something being off. Or perhaps you couched it as a joke, hoping they would get the idea and you could move on. Likely you find yourself challenged to consider what an honest conversation about specific sin could look like.
Or maybe you read this and can’t wait to go tell that person exactly what they did wrong. You’re already rehearsing your compelling speech that reveals just how right you were all along. Maybe you’re picturing them squirm with the realization of how much they hurt you and that brings you secret delight. If you’re in this position, you may be feeling humbled by Jesus’s stated goal for us to “gain” our sister or brother through such a conversation.
As you read this instruction, is a pit forming in your stomach at the very thought of having any type of direct conversation like this? You mean, I should actually sit across from another person and tell them exactly how they have sinned?? Maybe you‘re thinking about how many ways you’ve messed up that they could name right back to you. Who are you to tell someone else where they’re wrong?
Be encouraged that this is not a bad starting position to be in! We should be prayerfully aware of our own sin as we approach a brother or sister who has offended us. After all, Jesus himself encourages us to consider the log in our own eye before addressing the speck in the eye of another (Matt 7:5). Prayerful self-reflection and confession are very appropriate and necessary precursors to the conversations described in these verses! Very likely, more often than not, these conversations will include a mutual acknowledgement of sin.
Nevertheless, Jesus acknowledges that it’s possible to go about this, just as he said, by naming the sin specifically and seeking reconciliation, yet because it doesn’t depend solely on you, your sister or brother may choose not to listen and repent. If they do not listen to you individually, Jesus says to take one or two witnesses along.
So who are these witnesses and what is this for? Is Jesus suggesting that we rally some friends to come back and team up against the person that hurt us?
Jesus’s words in verse 16 are nearly a direct quote from a piece of Jewish law found in Deuteronomy 19:15. This Old Testament law instructed that no one among God’s people should be charged with a crime upon the evidence of just one person. Two or three witnesses would be required to validate the truth of the claim. This context would not have been lost on Jesus’s disciples.
In the conversation that Jesus describes in Matthew, though, these one or two people may not have witnessed the original occasion of sin. They are to bear witness to this second stage of interaction to address it. These witnesses are invited to listen and discern where there has been error, providing accountability for both parties in the work toward resolution. Jesus doesn’t describe exactly what happens in this conversation. But the flow of his instructions implies that just as in the first engagement, sin should be specifically named and reconciliation should be invited. We are still trying to gain our sister or brother.
Still it is possible that the brother or sister we are engaging may not listen or repent. In fact, in verse 17 Jesus describes them as “refusing” to listen. The transition from “will not listen” to “refusal” may indicate an increased hardening of heart — the result of unrepentant sin.
If the person refuses to listen to you and the witnesses who can see the error, Jesus says to “tell it to the church.” What does this look like? Do we start telling everyone in the church what happened one by one? Do we put it in the weekly email blast? Surely not.
In order to understand what this means for us today, it’s important for us to understand what it would have meant to the original audience. The word we translate here as “church” comes from the Greek term ekklesia. Interestingly Matthew only uses this word twice in his Gospel. He’s also the only Gospel writer to use the term at all! We don’t see it show up again in the New Testament until the book of Acts. Why is that? Because the church as we know it didn’t yet exist when Jesus was giving these instructions! It’s at the very onset of building his church that he leads his people to deal with interpersonal sin rightly. It’s that important.
If the church was not yet fully formed, then who would his disciples have understood to be “the church” at this time? Some commentators are inclined to think that church to them would have meant primarily the religious leaders — that Jesus is saying to bring this issue to the leadership of the church. Yet the term ekklesia itself means “an assembly or gathering of the believing community.” This certainly would include, but not be limited to, the leaders of the church. Indeed, that’s the definition we see apply throughout the rest of the New Testament.
So Jesus is saying that after a refusal to listen and repent individually and with discerning witnesses, the sin has become serious enough to bring before the community of believers, including leadership. How this gathering is organized and operates is not detailed here, but once again we may assume that it includes the naming of sin specifically and an invitation for repentance and reconciliation. We still want to gain our brother or sister.
If, after these three types of attempts at naming the sin and inviting repentance within the accountability of the body, this sister or brother persists in a refusal to listen and change, Jesus says that you are to treat them as “a Gentile and a tax collector.”
Now we should pause here to consider what it would have meant to the Jewish disciples to hear such a statement. A faithful Jewish person would have known that Gentiles were outside of the people of God, often understood to be unclean. Tax collectors in particular were looked down upon for their corruption and greed. These were not people with whom the Jews in Jesus’s day would have associated. So the message would have been clear: if this person remains stubbornly in their sin after having been given multiple chances to repent, they are to be considered outside the family of God.
Perhaps you’re most familiar with these verses as "the discipline passage.” This is why. Matthew 18:15-20 is one among a handful of passages in the New Testament that undergird what would become a Roman Catholic theology of excommunication and various Protestant forms of church discipline.
Yet we are remiss if we don’t ask and answer another important question at this juncture. We’ve looked at how a typical Jew would have related to Gentiles and tax collectors. But what about the Jewish Jesus? How did he relate to them?
In the book of Matthew alone we see Jesus praise the faith of a Gentile soldier and heal his servant (Matt 8:5-13). Similarly he exalts the faith of the lowly and outcast Canaanite woman who begs for him to heal her demon-possessed daughter (Matt 15:21-28). The way Jesus lived his life marked him as a friend of tax-collectors and sinners (Matt 11:19). Indeed his disciple Matthew who wrote this account was himself a tax-collector (Matt 9:9)! As Jesus speaks his commissioning words over the formation of his church, he instructs his people to make disciples of all nations, including the Gentiles (Matt 28:19).
Jesus is at once taking unrepentant sin quite seriously, but he is also a God who delights in reaching out and restoring those who are outside of the community.
Jesus gives these instructions as he answers his disciples as to who will be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven (Matt 18:1). He has just told the parable of the shepherd who leaves the ninety-nine sheep on the hills to find and restore the one who has strayed (Matt 18:12-14). Just after this passage, he will blow Peter’s categories concerning how many times we are to forgive those who sin against us, going on to tell the story of the unmerciful servant, which warns against the dangers of unforgiveness (Matt 18:21-35). These instructions are framed between two passages about restoration of sinners to God’s people.
Discipline, or repercussions for unrepentant sin, is certainly an element in these verses. But we shouldn’t treat the thrust of this passage as if it’s describing that one fateful trip to the principal’s office that ended in expulsion. Yes, Jesus gives us a process to address sin, but we also learn this:
When sin threatens to destroy our relationships, we have Jesus’s power and presence to restore.
Let’s now consider verses 18-20.
Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again truly I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.
After giving specific instructions about addressing interpersonal sin in the church, Jesus makes two statements beginning with “Truly I say.” Jesus uses this construction 28 times in the book of Matthew, either to bring emphasis to a previous statement or to ground a particular idea in a broader understanding of truth.
In this first "Truly I say” statement, Jesus tells his disciples that whatever they bind on earth would be bound in heaven and whatever they loose on earth would be loosed in heaven. Though this phrasing isn't particularly familiar to us in modern English, these concepts of binding and loosing were not uncommon to the New Testament audience.
The term meaning to bind could indicate either being tied together or constrained by something. Conversely, to loose would mean to unbind or release from constraint, to set free. In ancient Greek these terms were often found in tandem, functioning somewhat as a figure of speech. When found together they communicate the idea of forbidding or permitting something.
This isn’t the first time Jesus put forth this idea in Matthew’s Gospel. Just two chapters earlier, Jesus speaks almost this exact phrase to Peter when he says, “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven” (Matt 16:19). Understanding the figure of speech, we can see he’s bestowing upon Peter heavenly authority over his church.
So here, two chapters later, we see once again a bestowing of heavenly authority; only now it’s being extended to the whole of the church community. Jesus gives authority to his church to speak truth to sin. With his heavenly authority we can guide people toward repentance and reconciliation.
When sin threatens to destroy our relationships, we have Jesus’s power and presence to restore.
The second "Truly I say” statement of verses 19-20 shows how we access his power through communal prayer. You are likely quite familiar with these oft-quoted verses.
If you’ve been a Christian or Christianity-adjacent for some time, you have likely heard not only that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” but also that “where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” As is always true with memorable Bible verses, we do well to appreciate the fuller context of where they occur.
“Again, truly I say,” in verse 19 appears to bring greater emphasis to the first “Truly, I say” of verse 18. Jesus is essentially saying, not only am I giving you my authority, but I am giving you myself. We know all too well that in a church made up of sinners, unbridled and unchecked power inevitably corrupts and causes harm. Jesus knew this, too. Jesus knows that we need not only this authority, but we need him, himself. We have access to his presence through communal prayer.
When we view these verses as "the discipline passage,” we think the expulsion of a sinner from the church is the main thrust. So we’re prone to interpret these "Truly I say” statements as Jesus saying, “if you want to kick someone out, you have the right to do this. Just go about it in this particular way, and I'll approve it.”
Though it’s true that Jesus does bestow his authority to make such a decision in the most extreme scenarios, it seems that more is going on in this passage. The structure indicates that it’s more likely that verses 18-20 are strengthening and undergirding the whole of the process that Jesus lays out in verses 15-17. As Jesus is establishing his church, he understands the destructive nature of sin that could tear his people apart.
No one gets their medical license so they can finally have authority to declare the time of death over a patient. Rather, doctors and nurses spend tireless years training in order to provide holistic care and healing for a community. So it is here. Jesus is not only training his people to preside over the worst case scenarios, but he’s licensing the church to diagnose and treat the problem of sin early and often. This is preventative care at its best.
With the presence of the Great Physician, Jesus is giving his people the power to heal. He not only gives a process, but he gives his own power and presence.
When sin threatens to destroy our relationships, we have Jesus's power and presence to restore.
Friends, at the end of 2020, we are all too aware of the sins and hurts that endanger our relationships. We likely know this at macro and micro levels. So how will we respond when we, as Christians, sin against each other?
As you weigh how to approach that individual conversation,
pray for insight into your own sin for which you need to confess and repent.
pray also for wisdom in how to name their sin specifically and for compassion to invite repentance and reconciliation.
Even in the church we tend to encourage one another that when a relationship gets too hard, when sin makes it messy, it’s healthiest if we just walk away. Consider how Jesus is calling us to something much different here. No, Jesus isn't advising that we trap ourselves in abusive relationships. Indeed, he lays out a careful process to discern just how serious the issue is. This is why identifying and naming the specific sin(s) matters. But before you resort to the worst case scenario and walk away, consider:
have you talked about the specific sins with your friend/loved one or are you assuming they should already just know?
have you offered them a chance to repent upon seeing the reality?
how is Jesus calling you to love another sinner enough to show them their error and invite restoration?
When you wonder, who are you to have such a conversation? Remember that when sin threatens to destroy our relationships, we have Jesus’s power and presence to restore.
If you find yourself needing to invite one or two others to join you in re-approaching a brother or sister that didn’t listen to you,
who are the Christian women or men in your church or community who can be prayerful in identifying sin and inviting repentance?
who do you trust to help foster a safe environment of listening and accountability?
if there are power differentials involved, who can help bring equity?
invite them to pray with you and with one another for discernment in the situation.
Rather than finding a way to get rid of this sinning friend in your life, remember together that when sin threatens to destroy our relationships, we have Jesus’s power and presence to restore.
When we, as the church, face a situation involving unrepentant sin,
may we not turn to gossip or attempts to figure out whose side we're on; rather, may we enter into a time of communal prayer.
let us confess our own sins as we ask for God's wisdom and compassion in communicating about the specific sin and encouraging repentance of one of our own.
may we value the individual relationships that make up the family of God enough not to settle for little pockets of broken fellowship. Let's not help each other figure out how to dissolve relationships in the church, rather let's make a practice of naming sin specifically and inviting repentance.
May we live into our role as reconcilers, knowing that when sin threatens to destroy our relationships, we have Jesus's power and presence to restore.
It’s possible we may find ourselves in the devastating situation where the person in our midst is so hardened by their sin that they refuse any type of repentance or restoration.
This passage shows us how we, as a community of believers, may prayerfully and honestly assess what’s going on. A persistent refusal to repent of sin does not mark a person who is truly in Christ. If they are refusing submission to Christ, they are refusing a place in God’s family.
Jesus teaches that we are most loving when we identify this honestly.
But our call to go and to love those who are outside of God’s family remains the same.
We can take heart that ours is a God who delights in reconciling sinners to himself. It’s the only reason any of us are here!
We can still hope to gain them as a brother or sister, but the starting point is now different.
Even where sin has destroyed relationships, Jesus is still powerful and present with his church to bring restoration.
Finally, let’s be aware that this is not a "three strikes and you're out” framework for dealing with interpersonal sin. As restoration is the goal, it may well be that we repeat steps one and two many times in the course of church life. A person who has sinned may truly repent and then fail again later. We don’t say, “well I already talked to them individually the last time they sinned, so I guess this time it goes straight to the witnesses.” In a healthy system, the bulk of these conversations should be taking place again and again in the individual or smaller group setting.
The better we get at living out these instructions, we shouldn’t expect less conversations, we should expect better conversations.
Let’s pray even now that we ourselves would listen and repent when confronted with our own sin. That we would be the sister or brother gained. Let’s normalize naming our sin specifically and inviting reconciliation. When we lament sin and listen to each other, we look more like Jesus.
(The above is a written adaptation of a sermon I preached for a seminary course at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary on December 5, 2020.)